Beauty is intimidating.

Went to my weekly OB appointment this morning. First things first: if you’re pregnant and haven’t had your cervix checked for dilation, just know that it’s incredibly painful. Especially when your petite doctor has tiny little hands.

I am not dilated at all despite all of the Braxton Hicks contractions. Doctor says that’s normal and is no indication of when the baby will come. She’s seen women go from zero to 10 overnight. Some don’t ever dilate on their own. So we’ll see.

The perinatologist ended up putting me on medication. Sigh. This means induction (unless baby wants to do mommy a huge favor and come on his own). My OB told me that the perinatologist might choose to induce me NEXT week. If they don’t, she will induce me the following week. The perinatologist will be calling me tomorrow to discuss. At this point, if they are going to induce, they should let me pick the date. I’m going to push for a Wednesday so we could be home by the weekend. (I’m half joking, ok?)

My last day of work is Friday. This is bringing up all kinds of mixed emotions, mainly excitement and anxiety. I will have to write a separate blog on my anxiety. When it’s all said and done, however, I know that my life is just about to become even more beautiful than it already is. Infinitely more beautiful. I’m going to have my own little family. Whoa.

And I can’t wait.

 

Packin’ Up.

I have a feeling this baby is coming soon.

First of all, he is looooow. He keeps moving further and further down, making walking or standing for me EXTREMELY uncomfortable. The Braxton Hicks are ridic and getting to the point to where I start to wonder if I’m really in labor. In all honesty, as uncomfortable as I am, I really hope he stays in there a couple more weeks. My last day of work is this Friday. I’d like to have some time at home, resting, and doing some last minute prep. I am fully aware that once baby comes, all “me” time is out the window for a while. Just a couple days of laying in the recliner and watching season 2 of Downton Abbey on Hulu Plus would be cool.

In preparation, we finally put all of his washed clothes away (they’ve been folded…and sitting in the crib for roughly two weeks thanks to colds and general exhaustion).

Ok, not all of them were folded.

Now they’re nice and folded and ready to be worn by a cute baby.

We are getting the bags packed and ready to go and we’re doing some cleaning the house today. I bought the breast pump, got some nursing bras, and the baby has more crap than he (or anyone) needs.

Henry’s baby bag for the hospital. Got some sleeping gowns, a couple onesies, an outfit to come home in, mittens, socks, a little hat, a swaddler, and a blanket. 

I got this bag years ago as a gift from a client of mine. I gave it to Chris, but he never really used it. It’s a perfect diaper bag because it means Chris will freely carry it around shame-free, and I honestly hate most diaper bags on the market. I bought a $10 fold out portable changing mat and stuck it in there. It’s got lots of pockets, too, so bonus.

Even if baby doesn’t come on his own soon, he’ll be here around Dec. 17 regardless. My blood sugars were doing ok…then my morning fasting numbers started to creep up. I told my OB and she told me if my perinatologist (who is monitoring me monthly as well) puts me on meds, they will induce me on or before Dec. 17. I really don’t want to be induced, I’ve heard such horror stories. So far, the perinatologist has NOT put me on medication (because the dose would be really low — half of the lowest dose from the pharmacy. Meaning, I’d have to physically cut each pill in half before I take it). He doesn’t see the point. But, we’ll see. I’m sure I’ll find out more tomorrow.

So, we’re physically ready. When do I become mentally ready? I felt like this pregnancy was going so slow. Now, it’s going by too fast. Ah!

Party of one.

I’ve been thinking of a way to write this post for a while but had no idea how. I guess I still don’t know how, but it’s important that I put this out into the Universe so I can let it go. Let it gooooo.

I know that a lot of my readers (and blogs that I frequent as well) are either women trying to conceive (TTC in internet) or have had recent miscarriages. I read their blogs and my heart breaks for them because I’ve been there in both instances. A little wave of guilt rushes over me when I write about my pregnancy milestones or post pictures of the baby’s room, even though it’s a special time for me. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or come off as insensitive.

When I lost the pregnancy last year, it was the most intense pain (emotionally and physically) that I’d ever experienced. People telling me (innocently) that they hoped I could conceive and carry a child to term just poured salt in the wound. What if it was my body? Did I kill my baby? Is it because I have a negative blood type? Is it because I’m overweight? Lots of women struggle with infertility…will I? All of these things flooded my brain every second.

A couple months after the miscarriage, I told Chris we were going to get to town on this conception business. I was going to chart shit out and make it happen. To my surprise, it did. And the freaking out began.

There’s already so much I can’t control, so I wanted to control everything I could. No caffeine, no lunch meats, no ibuprofen, no feta cheese, you get the idea. I also ate pretty healthy. Like, better than before I got pregnant and was on a constant diet. I did not enjoy my first trimester. I was throwing up, I was nauseous, completely exhausted, and I really craved Greek salads. On top of that, I was scared out of my mind. I just couldn’t relax.

We all know things are going fine right now, but the truth is, I still worry about this pregnancy. I still wake up every day scared because I haven’t felt Henry move all night. That first morning kick is the best feeling in the world. And after passing the first glucose test, my doctor insisted I re-take the 1 hour glucose test again. I failed. FAILED. That word again. My body failed. I don’t eat a lot of sweets and I haven’t gained much weight, but guess what? I failed again. Now comes the 3 hour tolerance test (fun) and I’m panicking a little. I know the majority of women who fail the 1 hour go on to pass the 3 hour. But I’m still scared. I just want to have the healthiest baby possible. I don’t want my body to hurt another one — especially this one.

If you happened to make it through this pity party, a) congratulations and 2) thanks for listening. I feel better already.

A week 8 & 9 retrospective (and other stuff)

I almost didn’t blog tonight because I am so full of anxiety. I thought if I sat down to type, all that would come out would be, “ARGHHHHHHHHHHFDSFDSDFSGFKOLGOROMG!!!!!!”

I’ve never felt this way before, so of course I am going to blame pregnancy. It just fills like anxiety is bubbling over and I could snap at any second. It’s not just one thing making me feel this way either. It feels like everything and nothing at once, if that makes sense. Work, pregnancy, life…but at the same time, these things don’t bother me that much when I think about it. I actually have it pretty good and I know this logically. Doesn’t matter. Sigh. I think now is the perfect time to start going to pre-natal yoga classes.

Writing helps me, so here I am. Let’s do another retrospective.

Week 8.

So happy to hit that 2 month mark, but not much different from week 7. Still really worried about my first OB appt, which is still a few weeks away.

Week 9.

I was worried that I haven’t had enough morning sickness. Guess what? At 9 weeks 2 days, I spent the entire day on the bathroom floor. I thought projectile vomiting was a myth before that day. I’ve never felt so bad in my life. I couldn’t keep anything, including water, down.

I called my doctor the next day, my whole body sore from vomiting so violently. She was worried about me not even being able to drink fluids, and prescribed me anti-vomiting medication. I took one pill – and miracle! Almost instant relief. I chugged a gallon of water immediately. Still took me a couple days to feel ok with food again though and I’m still extremely nauseous all the time.

Thankfully, she also moved up my first OB appointment and got an ultrasound. We saw our little tadpole and saw the heart beat (it was still too early to hear it), but visual proof was all I needed. It was a strong 162 bpm, which according to old wivestales, it will be a girl. The chinese gender chart also says we are having a girl. To me, this almost certainly means we’re having a boy. Regardless, to know our baby is in there and it’s tiny little heart is beating, is all I need. I’m in love already.

Oh, also lost 5 pounds this week thanks to the aforementioned barfing. And we finally got to tell Chris’s parents, who were really happy. I think. No, I’m sure of it. They are just not the jump up and down and scream I’m so excited kinda people.

This was the last week that I actually wrote stuff down. Maybe because I started feeling so crappy. So I’m going to have to start going by (fuzzy) memory.

Oh, just BTW, I have intentionally left out some of the more personal symptoms involving body parts. I think you know what I mean. I’ll just say, some things are growing a lot and those things are extremely sore.

Tomorrow is the day. Boy or girl? Stay tuned.

Edit: I just realized I had the wrong title up for a couple hours. Again, I will blame pregnancy.