Finding emo.

Last Friday, I woke up exhausted. It was because I had been crying almost all day Thursday. A distant relative passed away last week and that had me all introspective and crap. I look at Henry and Chris and I get all emotional because I know how lucky I am. My life is exactly how I want it to be and I never want it to end. That’s what made me so sad and emo. But, I took some long naps this weekend and have vowed not to cry over that crap again.

I wrote briefly last week about letting some things go that hurt my feelings. It’s always much easier said than done, but it’s got to happen. For my sanity. I hold things in and hold things in and then days like Thursday happen. In any relationship, there has got to be a give and take. I refuse to have demands put upon me without any semblance of reciprocation any more. People want so much from me, but aren’t willing to give. This ends in me feeling used and confused. (Rhymes!) Where do I go from there? Continue to be that person and be miserable for the sake of a one-sided relationship or let go and be happy? I’ll choose the latter. I have to. As hard as it might be.

I saw this quote the other day and it’s like a light bulb went off:

“The mental and physical space we create by letting go of things that belong in our past gives us…the option to fill the space with something new.” – Susan Fay West

My energies are better used on my son, my marriage, my family, and those friends that are there for me. And I’m lucky that I have a few of those. This new found positive energy will also be put toward a re-design my blog (I finally got Adobe DesignSuite last night!), looking for freelance writing jobs, and having a FUN summer with Henry and Chris. I’m really looking forward to it.

I promise I won’t post a bunch of emotional, sad sap blogs. This is it. Forever. Ok, for a long time. I’m done.

And to exit on a happy note, here is Henry with his Grandma today. Have I mentioned that this kid LOOOOOVES his grandma? He does.

henrygmaphotoYeah, my energy belongs RIGHT HERE.

 

 

 

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Quickie

Some noteworthy happenings:

  • Got my hair cut and colored for the first time since I found out I was bearing a child. I feel like a new person and now I won’t have to spend the 8 seconds of spare time I have in front of the mirror obsessing over all of the gray hairs before throwing it up into a messy bun type thing and leaving it that way for a couple days before I decide to wash it and start all over again.
  • Henry is already holding his head up pretty great. His fave position is sitting up on our laps, with no support on his neck. If you try to support his neck, he gets very annoyed. And tummy time should be called “scoot across the floor time.” This kid wants to move.
  • We no longer have a newborn. We have a baby now. A babbling, giggling, alert, smiley, funny baby. I had to put some of his newborn clothes up this morning and he’s filling out his 0-3’s nicely. I love watching him grow, but it also tugs at my heart.
  • I’ve been doing more and walking. It’s been nice weather and I have the cutest little walking buddy. It knocks him out, though. Even after we get home, he continues to sleep for hours. Not that I’m complaining. An overtired Henry is no bueno. A growing boy needs his rest.
  • Chris continues to be amazing. Even when I’m stressed over stupid stuff, he’s calm and patient and talks me down. I’m lucky that I married a guy who tries to empathize with a new mom and all the stresses that come along with that. He also knows how hard it is to have a 24/7 baby-raising job and is a really good support. I have to brag on him because he deserves it. He puts up with a lot from my hormonal ass.

henrygoesforawalk

 

What he’s wearing:

Hat: knit by someone and given to Henry by a nurse at the hospital. First placed on his head when he was minutes old.

Sweater: Baby Gap (on sale)

Overalls: Old Navy (on sale)

Socks: Trumpette Skater Boy (not on sale)

Pacifier: Nuk

 

My life lately…

…has consisted of me doing the following things:

  1. Lots of doctor’s appointments. All is status quo. Baby is 5 lbs 12 oz now with 4 weeks to go. I’ve been monitoring my blood sugar and all is normal. The doctor is just being over cautious, which is…whatever. I am an exemplary patient. I do what they tell me to do.
  2. I have an almost 6 pound baby directly on my bladder. We saw his face again on Tuesday. He’s pretty damn cute if I do say so myself.
  3. Chris and I took a childbirth class. That was actually pretty interesting and I probably could have blogged about it. But. I didn’t. Sorry. Anyway, I learned a lot and so did Chris. He took a ton of notes and was really engaged. That made my heart pretty happy.
  4. After the birth class, we did something social for a change and had dinner with some friends. They were so kind to grill us some steak and we spent hours just talking and laughing. That was nice since once Henry comes I’m sure our social life will be even more non-existent.
  5. I finally had to fill out our birth plan. As of now, here’s where I stand: I am gonna go for all natural (like I’ve always wanted) but I’m signing the waiver form for an epidural in case I want one. And if things don’t work out how I want them to, then I’m not going to beat myself up over it (as long as baby is ok). The only thing I am adamantly against are analgesic pain killers.
  6. I’m training my replacement at work, which makes the whole “I’m going to be a stay at home mom!!!” more and more real. My life is about to be unrecognizable, and I’m both excited and anxious.
  7. I’ve gained a total of 20 pounds and I’m happy about that. My doctor thinks most of it is water weight since my legs and feet ARE HUGE. At my appointment yesterday, the doctor pulled up my pant leg to check out the swelling and audibly gasped. I wasn’t even offended. I was all, “Yeah, I know. It’s crazy, huh??” Let’s put it this way: I was wearing socks with monkeys on them (I’m 13 apparently) and the outlines of the monkeys were embedded onto my feet. And the top of the socks left a good 1″ dent in my ankles. Cankle town is no joke anymore. It’s  REALLLL.

I promise to be better about blogging soon. I’m just so exhausted lately. Last night, I laid down at around 8 pm and passed out cold. The other night, I fell asleep mid-sentence while talking to Chris and holding my iPad. I woke myself up a little while later by snorting really loudly and had drooled all over myself. Sexy.

Growing a kid takes a lot of a girl.

My best friend.

I just heard “You’re My Best Friend” by Queen and got all pregmotional. Chris put this song on a mix CD for me right after we moved in together. I always get choked up when Freddie sings “I’m happy at home.”

It was also our first dance song at our wedding. So I guess that makes it our song. It’s fitting. We really are best friends.

Kinda scary freeze frame there, though.

Showers and new beginnings.

In just a couple short months, my life is going to change drastically. Not only because we’ll have a new baby running the household, but because I will also be leaving my job. Forever. I will be what the Internet calls a SAHM. Stay at home mom.

I’ve been working since I was 16. At a few points in my life, I’ve had two or three jobs at once. It’s pretty scary to not work and to give up an income. But, thankfully, my husband just got a new job that comes with a sizable raise and great benefits. Funds will be tight, but we’ll be able to make it.

The truth is, we just aren’t willing to put a newborn in daycare. Period. Most of my paycheck would have gone to them anyway. Honestly, I can get another job (and do plan on finding freelance work once the baby is a few months old), but I can never get those special moments back.

Just a quick side note: my husband is awesome. Chris knew from the beginning that I wanted to be a SAHM, but just didn’t know if it would ever be possible. He worked his ass off to get a better job and to land a few lucrative freelance gigs that would allow us to be able to afford this. He literally made my dreams come true in this instance, and he did it gladly because he knows it’s the best for his family. It makes me cry to think about how much he loves me and this baby.

Now, just to clarify, I do not think that women who go back to work (by choice or not) are making the wrong decision. I’m a feminist in the truest form – it’s all about choice. I trust that whatever a decision a woman makes is what she feels is best for her family, and I respect that. Same goes with parents who choose to put babies in daycare. I assume they choose safe places for their babies, so that’s great. It’s just something we are choosing not to do. I know how women get sensitive about these issues, so I just had to clear that up. Don’t be sending me nasty emails, ok?

In other news, we had our baby shower and it was a BLAST. My face hurt from laughing so hard. We got all the stuff we needed except for a few odds and ends. But more importantly, I felt overwhelmed by my friends and family who showed up or sent well wishes. I’m a lucky, lucky gal. My mom, mother in law, and friend Natalie did the best job with food and decorations.

My mom framed our baby pics so people could imagine what Henry might look like? I am not sure why. But look how cute Chris is! His parents gave us that little white rocking chair for the baby. I plan on re-creating that photo.

Cute gift table (before guests had arrived). 

Check out this spread!

Delicious cake that turned our lips blue.

On top of baby gear, Chris’s parents also gave us a Scion TC. Ok, they didn’t give it…they just sold it for next to nothing. I mean, like pennies. It’s a couple years old, but like brand new. Have I mentioned how lucky we are? We really are.

The day after the shower, we got up before the sun to take our out of town guests to the Balloon Fiesta. First of all, when you are 7 months pregnant, getting up that early and waddling through giant crowds of people is tough. I took a bunch of photos of balloons, but my favorite picture is this one that Chris got of us as we watch the Dawn Patrol light up.

It was really cold outside and I was so happy and warm at this moment. It’s good to be in love.

Two years and counting.

Today my husband and I celebrate our two year anniversary. We also got to see baby Henry’s face for the first time this morning via 3D ultrasound (which I wasn’t expecting) and he’s beautiful (if I do say so myself). I also found out that I passed the glucose test, that baby weighs 2.6 pounds, and he’s measuring almost 2 weeks ahead.

To honor this special day, I will post our wedding video highlights. This is my favorite thing ever to show people. And note the Beatles soundtrack and my maid of honor and her awesome Beatles inspired toast. I will have to post her entire toast someday. It really was very cool and moving.

Happy anniversary, Chris! I fall in love with you more and more every day.

And the winner is…

…Chris. He wins an award for the Most Patient Man on the Planet Earth. This is how I know that one day he will win a Father of the Year award. I have to give him public props for how great he was this weekend in particular.

Friday night, I was feeling so bloated that even sitting on the couch was uncomfortable. Instead, I told Chris I was going to lay down in the bedroom. I had a little pity party of one for a few minutes because it was Friday night, and I was in bed at 7 pm. He surprised me by picking out a movie and cuddling with me. He wanted to spend Friday night with me, he said. It was a really sweet gesture since I know he’d probably prefer to play some PS3 and watch movies on our big living room TV instead of the tiny one in the bedroom.

He chose Willow because I’d never seen it. We had a great time watching 2/3 of it before we both passed out cold. It was the best Friday night I’d had in a long time.

The baby was the best actor in the movie. Such great reactions!

Saturday, we got up bright and early and went to the first showing of the The Campaign. I love anything Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis, so I thought it was great. Afterwards, we were starving. I was at the stage in hunger where I was going to get real stabby if I didn’t eat immediately. So of course, we drove around FOR AN HOUR before deciding on where to eat. Chris was very patient and sweet even though I was a giant, evil beetch. It all ended in a very delicious cheeseburger from the Elephant Bar, so all was right with the world shortly thereafter. No one got stabbed. (He should have received a medal).

Today, the nesting kicked in again big time. What’s really strange is Chris has also started nesting. He’s been cleaning out the office/future baby room diligently every evening — getting rid of old DVDs and comics. Today, as I was cleaning this apartment from top to bottom, he was organizing our kitchen cabinets and scrubbing the appliances. I giggled to myself at the sight of it because if you knew my husband, you’d know just how out of character this behavior is. But I’m not going to complain. He can keep doing this forever, please.

When the house was sparkling and we finally sat down, he told me, “We make a great team.”

Yeah. I totally agree with that.

Deep thoughts.

On my way home today, my mind wandered all over the place. At least my car wasn’t wandering all over the road, right? Right?

Anyway, here are some of my random drive home thoughts:

  1. It feels like my tires are flat. Surely they can’t be flat or else I would not be driving. Let me just pull over in the Office Depot parking lot to be sure. Yep, not flat.
  2. I’m so hungry. Thank god I have some leftover green chile stew from last night.
  3. What would I do without Chris? I love him so much. Why am I crying now? Oh, thanks Adele song on the radio.
  4. 2003 was one of the best years/worst years of my life. But remember San Francisco for Dana’s bachelorette party? So fun. Also remember when I had my heart broken and my family moved to California and I was all alone? Not so fun. But also remember when I lost a lot of weight and was hot? That was fun.
  5. I can’t believe I’m married! When did I become old enough for marriage?
  6. I can’t believe I’m 31!
  7. The Rio Grande is pretty when you’re stuck on the bridge in rush hour.
  8. OOOH I have some leftover cookies, too!
  9. And wine!
  10. Summer Olympics this year. I wonder how the Brits will outdo the Chinese in the opening ceremonies. I hope I see some flying Mary Poppins or something.
A window into my erratic mind.