Party of one.

I’ve been thinking of a way to write this post for a while but had no idea how. I guess I still don’t know how, but it’s important that I put this out into the Universe so I can let it go. Let it gooooo.

I know that a lot of my readers (and blogs that I frequent as well) are either women trying to conceive (TTC in internet) or have had recent miscarriages. I read their blogs and my heart breaks for them because I’ve been there in both instances. A little wave of guilt rushes over me when I write about my pregnancy milestones or post pictures of the baby’s room, even though it’s a special time for me. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or come off as insensitive.

When I lost the pregnancy last year, it was the most intense pain (emotionally and physically) that I’d ever experienced. People telling me (innocently) that they hoped I could conceive and carry a child to term just poured salt in the wound. What if it was my body? Did I kill my baby? Is it because I have a negative blood type? Is it because I’m overweight? Lots of women struggle with infertility…will I? All of these things flooded my brain every second.

A couple months after the miscarriage, I told Chris we were going to get to town on this conception business. I was going to chart shit out and make it happen. To my surprise, it did. And the freaking out began.

There’s already so much I can’t control, so I wanted to control everything I could. No caffeine, no lunch meats, no ibuprofen, no feta cheese, you get the idea. I also ate pretty healthy. Like, better than before I got pregnant and was on a constant diet. I did not enjoy my first trimester. I was throwing up, I was nauseous, completely exhausted, and I really craved Greek salads. On top of that, I was scared out of my mind. I just couldn’t relax.

We all know things are going fine right now, but the truth is, I still worry about this pregnancy. I still wake up every day scared because I haven’t felt Henry move all night. That first morning kick is the best feeling in the world. And after passing the first glucose test, my doctor insisted I re-take the 1 hour glucose test again. I failed. FAILED. That word again. My body failed. I don’t eat a lot of sweets and I haven’t gained much weight, but guess what? I failed again. Now comes the 3 hour tolerance test (fun) and I’m panicking a little. I know the majority of women who fail the 1 hour go on to pass the 3 hour. But I’m still scared. I just want to have the healthiest baby possible. I don’t want my body to hurt another one — especially this one.

If you happened to make it through this pity party, a) congratulations and 2) thanks for listening. I feel better already.

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7 thoughts on “Party of one.

  1. no, katy – no pity, just pure love. i remember when jaya was born we rushed to the hospital because i couldn’t feel her moving (this was 2+ weeks overdue) – and that fear i felt… So, no, it’s not about the pity but about knowing that there are people holding their breath right along with you. We love you guys and know how hard it is to let it go and relax. But i know you will – because it’s the best thing for the kid 😉
    oh, and btw, Jaya was fine – she was just sleeping and just needed some OJ to wake up 🙂 still loves her oj…

      • I think the blogging community is, generally, the most honest and respectful of all he social medias. The long-form alone weeds out most of the d-bags.

  2. While I haven’t experienced an actual miscarriage, the fear I felt when I thought I was losing this pregnancy back in March was the most intense thing I’ve ever felt. I spent 10 hours at the ER before finding out everything was okay and they were the scariest 10 hours of my life. Talk about a pity party -when I got home I collapsed on the floor and cried. Didn’t even make it to the couch or bed. To top it all off, my partner really didn’t understand. He just thought everything turned out ok, so why the big deal. He wasn’t there with me at the hospital either.

    I have paged my midwife on more than one occasion these last few weeks because I imagined a major decrease in movement, or little H wasn’t moving at his usual times. One of the scariest parts of being this close to the end and having a “pregnancy at risk” as they so thoughtfully term it (seriously medical people, that is a horrible term) is the lack of movement moments. I’m so anxious to deliver so that I know he is safe. It’s scary to think that being inside could be harmful. Probably isn’t, but there is that lovely word “risk’. I have to do kick counts two times per day and call if I have any doubts at all. So far so good! I even look a bit bruised. This kid is huge and has pipes for sure!

    And lastly, as for the GD test, I failed the 1 hour, passed the 2 hour (didn’t do a 3 hour!) with flying colours. I’m sure you’ll be fine! And if not, it is manageable. I have a friend due 3 days after me who has managed hers all along and is being induced later this week. Her babe is only 7lbs! It can be handled 🙂 I know it’s scary though. They thought I had GD because I have so many of the symptoms of it, but my sugars are fine… go figure! Best of luck on that one.

    Sorry for the book! Never worry about a pity party. We are all entitled to our fears.

    *HUGS*

    • Shan, I can’t wait to see that little baby of yours! I know you’ve had a few scary moments in this pregnancy and you deserve nothing but happiness. Thanks for the kind words!! I will keep you posted on my 3 hour results. I hope my results are like yours.

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