Party of one.

I’ve been thinking of a way to write this post for a while but had no idea how. I guess I still don’t know how, but it’s important that I put this out into the Universe so I can let it go. Let it gooooo.

I know that a lot of my readers (and blogs that I frequent as well) are either women trying to conceive (TTC in internet) or have had recent miscarriages. I read their blogs and my heart breaks for them because I’ve been there in both instances. A little wave of guilt rushes over me when I write about my pregnancy milestones or post pictures of the baby’s room, even though it’s a special time for me. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or come off as insensitive.

When I lost the pregnancy last year, it was the most intense pain (emotionally and physically) that I’d ever experienced. People telling me (innocently) that they hoped I could conceive and carry a child to term just poured salt in the wound. What if it was my body? Did I kill my baby? Is it because I have a negative blood type? Is it because I’m overweight? Lots of women struggle with infertility…will I? All of these things flooded my brain every second.

A couple months after the miscarriage, I told Chris we were going to get to town on this conception business. I was going to chart shit out and make it happen. To my surprise, it did. And the freaking out began.

There’s already so much I can’t control, so I wanted to control everything I could. No caffeine, no lunch meats, no ibuprofen, no feta cheese, you get the idea. I also ate pretty healthy. Like, better than before I got pregnant and was on a constant diet. I did not enjoy my first trimester. I was throwing up, I was nauseous, completely exhausted, and I really craved Greek salads. On top of that, I was scared out of my mind. I just couldn’t relax.

We all know things are going fine right now, but the truth is, I still worry about this pregnancy. I still wake up every day scared because I haven’t felt Henry move all night. That first morning kick is the best feeling in the world. And after passing the first glucose test, my doctor insisted I re-take the 1 hour glucose test again. I failed. FAILED. That word again. My body failed. I don’t eat a lot of sweets and I haven’t gained much weight, but guess what? I failed again. Now comes the 3 hour tolerance test (fun) and I’m panicking a little. I know the majority of women who fail the 1 hour go on to pass the 3 hour. But I’m still scared. I just want to have the healthiest baby possible. I don’t want my body to hurt another one — especially this one.

If you happened to make it through this pity party, a) congratulations and 2) thanks for listening. I feel better already.

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A week 7 retrospective (and other stuff)

Today was a much better day than yesterday. Thanks to all my friends for cheering me up. Ya’ll are the best.

I got a call today from my doctor with the final screening results for chromosomal abnormalities (this one included neural tube defects and spina bifida). We are the lowest possible risk for all of that stuff, which was good news. That tidbit helped me put things into better perspective and realize what’s truly important here.

On to week 7, or “when shit got real”:

The morning sickness has kicked into full force. I was getting worried about not being nauseous enough. But first day in week 7 and I’m nauseous constantly. CONSTANTLY.

I’ve lost ALL of the water weight I put on. All 9 pounds. NINE POUNDS. Maybe it has something to do with peeing every hour on the hour in the night? Yeah, probably.

The dizziness has subsided for the most part, which is great. I can take a shower now without feeling like falling over. I might barf in the shower, but I won’t be swaying while doing it.

We tried to call Chris’s parents yesterday to tell them the big news, but they were at Disneyland. Yes, Disneyland. Alone. Just the two of them. And having a freaking blast. So hopefully they will call soon and then I can tell other family members (but probably not for a while — I’m still paranoid about telling people).

Oh, Google is the devil. DEVIL. When you are pregnant, do not Google anything. Especially miscarriage or other complications that can occur in pregnancy. To be clear, I have had ZERO complications — no spotting, no cramping. Just some little twinges here and there of the uterus stretching. Yet, because I had the miscarriage last time, I am a nervous wreck. The hormones making me extrememly emotional don’t help either. I Google and cry, Google and cry. It’s a sad, sad cycle. So if you found this blog by googling “miscarriage” or something, GET OFF THE INTERNET! We’re in this together. It’s going to be fine.

Five more weeks until my first OB appointment! I literally have a countdown for it on my iPhone. I am so excited/nervous.

Chris has been beyond wonderful taking care of me. He’s amazing. I don’t know how I got so lucky. He puts up with my hormonal crying like a champ. He deserves a medal or a plaque of some sort.

The nausea didn’t go away. The projectile vomiting is yet to come. I did not gain any more water weight (or weight, still. The double green chile cheeseburger I had for dinner tonight might change that, though. No shame. It was delicious).

Just a couple more days until we do the grand tour of the maternity ward where I’ll be pushing. AAANNNNDDDD….only 5 more days until we get the level 2 ultrasound and find out if it’s a boy bean or girl bean. I still think girl. I just hope this little hopper cooperates. Speaking of which, I feel this baby move all day long. When I’m running around like crazy at work, or getting stressed, and I feel it moving…it just makes everything ok.

Our favorite schnauzer who has no idea she won’t be our number one child once the baby gets here. She’ll still be spoiled, she just won’t be the complete center of attention.

Rude awakening.

A week 6 retrospective (and other stuff)

Shortly after I found out I was pregnant, I started journaling my symptoms and experience. I thought I’d start sharing what I went through week by week for those women who want to know what they might expect if /when they become pregnant, any pregnant women who want to compare, or just anyone with nothing better to do, I guess.

I’ll start with this: don’t pee on a stick until the day of your missed period. I took the early response tests 4 days before (negative) and 2 days before (negative). On the day my period was due, I grabbed the only test I had left, which was a digital. It took FOREVER to pop up a result. And it was good news.

clear blue digital positive

After I woke Chris up to tell him the news, I snapped this picture. It’s one of my most favorite pictures of all time. We’d been trying to get pregnant for a while, and after all the emotions from the miscarriage, I can’t even explain how happy seeing that word made me.

On to the symptoms:

Week 6:

Holy hell, I am lightheaded. Just kinda all the time. When I get it in the shower, it’s like stepping into Space Mountain without the fun.

My boobs have already grown a cup size I am sure of it. The last thing I needed was more boob. They also KILL me. I can’t sleep on my tummy anymore, so now I am sleeping in these awkward side or back positions that make my body hurt.

Morning sickness isn’t too bad yet, but I’ve had moments. So far, I’ve woken up a few times in the middle of the night feeling barfy.

I am always thirsty, and I drink 60 gallons of water a day. Or very close to it. Weird taste in my mouth all the time.

Pregnancy brain already setting in. Could be the fatigue. Oh, did I mention I am always exhausted?

I told you exhaustion was the new theme of my life. And pregnancy brain is oh-so-real. A couple weeks ago, a friend and I went to see a movie. I asked her what she wanted to drink from the concession stand. She gave me a very clear answer in English that I must have understood well enough to say OK and get up. By the time I made it in line, I barely remembered even asking her the question and had ZERO recollection of her response. I guessed Diet Coke and thankfully I was right. I was so close to getting Sprite. I have a dozen other examples, but I can’t really remember them. Kinda scary.

In other news, the big anatomy ultrasound (where they can maybe tell you the gender if baby cooperates) was moved up from July 26 to July 23. I am so excited and anxious just to make sure little bean is healthy. Finding out the gender is an added perk. I’ve been feeling like it’s a girl, and Chris thinks it’s a boy.

One of us is right.

Here’s the deal.

Talking to family today, I was told I should start building my baby registry now. This makes me very anxious as I have yet to buy anything for this baby (except a Beatles shirt I got years ago from a client at my old job in Los Angeles).

See, I had a miscarriage last year, and it was really hard to deal with. It’s still really hard to deal with. It was an early miscarriage, but painful nonetheless. I’m still terrified about this pregnancy, even though I have a feeling everything will be alright. It’s like if I let myself plan anything – a registry, a shower, diapering options – something bad will happen.

As I was going through adding things to a registry that will surely change a lot in the next 5 months (especially once we find out the gender), I felt the little bean in there moving around. It just reminded me that this time is different. Worrying doesn’t help anyone; stress is not healthy for me or baby.

Side note real quick before I move on: miscarriage has a way of fostering loneliness in a way I’ve never felt before. People don’t know what to say or how to act. Sometimes they innocently say something that really stings. Some people don’t understand why it’s hurting so bad. The internet really helped me find stories I could relate to, and if anything, I hope this post helps someone else going through the same thing. Maybe I’ll write something longer in the future, but even putting this out into the universe gives me palpitations.

Moving on. My mom is making a quilt for the baby, and I’ve been sharing it piece by piece on Instragram (follow me, @djkatyk). Today, we went over to her house to help organize the squares. My designer husband was a huge help. The pic below is NOT the final layout. I took it before he worked his magic. I’m so excited to see it finished and have something homemade with so much love for baby K. My mom made me one when I was 20 and I still cherish it.

Here’s what we have so far:

Oh! I just want to reiterate, the Snoogle rocks so much. After the second night of using it, I felt much more rested today. Still sleepy from being pregnant, but not like before. What I need now is a vacation. Or a day off. Or half a day off. I’m not picky.