Tonight is rough.

A week and some change before we hit the road. I’m starting to feel anxious and nervous and excited and terrified. Part of me wants to get there and get settled in already, but the other part of me wants to slow down time. I’m just not quite ready to say goodbye. I don’t like that I’m texting my best friend telling her I want to see her just one more time before we leave. There’s also this nagging feeling that I’m leaving unfinished business behind. But that business wants nothing to do with me as far as I can tell, so it’s probably best I leave that in the rear view, however difficult that might be.

But let’s talk about happier things: Henry. OMG you guys, this kid is growing up fast. I know he’s just your average 16 month old (tomorrow) but he’s amazing to me.

The kid is so well behaved in public. The tantrums he throws at home are epic, but in public he’s an angel. He holds my hand, minds me when I say “don’t touch that” or “put that back”, and he’s so patient. We went to the bookstore, just the two of us, last weekend and he stood there in line with me, holding my hand for a good 10 minutes while a chatty German woman checked out. I was honestly shocked.

Ok he’s not always an angel in public. When it’s nap time and I won’t let him dump the salt shaker all over the table in a restaurant…yeah that’s our cue to exit swiftly.

Honestly though, I love these toddler times, tantrums and all. He’s starting to become a little kid with a personality. He loves his shoes and would wear them all day and night if I let him. Daniel Tiger is still his BFF. He is a pro at navigating the iPad and taking lots of (mostly black) photos and some pretty cool videos, really. He likes to grab a book and sit on his Sesame Street chair. I bought him a back pack and it’s his new favorite thing. I could go on and on, but I don’t want to bore you. I’ll leave you with some pics of my growing little boy.

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I love you first, New Mexico.

I love New Mexico. I’m a New Mexico girl deep down. I wasn’t born here and I wasn’t raised here, but I spent my childhood summers here with my cousins and became a grown up here. My first apartment was in Albuquerque. I graduated from the University of New Mexico, so just imagine all of the firsts that had to offer. Hint: a lot. Before I moved to LA, I applied to every journalism job in the state (I was later offered one, but that was months after I moved and living with my now-husband). That just wasn’t a great time to be working in journalism and jobs were scarce everywhere.

But in the four years I lived in LA, I was miserably homesick for New Mexico. I hear that happens to most people who leave the state. There wasn’t just one thing I missed, there were countless things: food, friends, family, the smell when it rains, on and on and on. I was ecstatic to be able to move back here in 2010, where even more firsts occurred. Over the course of the few years we’ve been back, I’ve gotten married, adopted a dog, had a baby, made some new friends, lost friends, and I’ve changed (for the better, I think, although I am sure some people would disagree).

The Pacific Ocean is calling me back again, against my will, but I’m heeding its call for my husband. He sacrificed a lot to move here for me and it’s time to return the favor. And even though Albuquerque is in the midst of turmoil right now, I’m still going to miss it like crazy and only hope that one day I can experience some more firsts here.

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The Sandias, another thing I’ll miss dearly. Photo courtesy of moi.

Getting closer.

We have an apartment. It’s in a little town called Petaluma. On one hand, I am so relieved we have a place to move into on April 29, even if it is tiny. It’s got a washer and dryer. I’d forgotten all about California and how most apartment complexes do not have a washer and dryer in unit. In LA, our apartment had a garage parking spot and a w/d. We thought we hit the jackpot! In ABQ, you just kinda expect it. And parking is never an issue here. So after a couple weeks of searching and finding larger places for the same price sans washer and dryer, we settled on the smaller place with them. There is no way in hell I’m dragging Henry to a laundromat. That’s my idea of hell.

Anyway, we leave on the 26th and embark on a fun little road trip with a toddler and a U-haul. My excitement level is negative 100, if you can’t tell. I know it’s going to be great eventually, but I’m still sad about the whole thing.

On Saturday, my husband and I got out of the house for a couple hours after Henry went to bed. My BFF Natalie had us over to her new house for food and games. We had so much fun, but I cried almost the whole way home because I’m gonna miss her so much. Gah, I’m crying now, so change of subject.

Henry had his 15 month well baby check last week and he screamed the entire time. Well, from the moment the nurse tried to take his temp and all the way through the shots. If you have a kid who loves his naps, don’t schedule things at nap time, k? But, regardless, he’s perfect and right on track. Also has some healthy lungs on him.

Henry will be up from his nap soon, so I’m gonna go to the bathroom in private while I still have a chance. Later.

Say yes and figure it out.

I’m about to crack open a real book that I plucked from my mom’s book shelf (“Neverwhere” by Neil Gaiman) but before I do, I wanted to jot down a quick post.

If you watch Girls on HBO, you’ll know it’s hardly ever inspiring. At least for me. It’s funny, it can be thought provoking, it’s definitely hipster, but rarely does it inspire me.

In tonight’s episode, (spoiler alert!) Hannah gets accepted into grad school in Iowa. This would mean leaving all her friends and finding a “new place to buy yogurt.” She’s mulling it over on the phone with her parents when her mom says, “when a big opportunity like this comes along, you say yes. And then you figure it out.” Her mom repeated it again, “we’ll figure it out.”

This used to sorta be my mantra in the pre-Henry days. I never worried about things like finding a job or being able to pay bills. It all worked out. But now we have a little game changer, so I’ve been nervous about the move. It weighs on me all day and the parts of the night when I can’t sleep.

But Girls inspired me tonight. We’ll figure it out. It’s going to be sad to leave, but we’ll figure it out. At the very least, Southwest has pretty good fares between SFO and ABQ.

Some other pearls of wisdom from Hannah.

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It’s officially official.

Oh damn. I forgot to update all you robots (I doubt I have more than 2-3 actual readers). Chris signed the job offer and we are moving to Cal-i-for-ni-a in about a month. I am experiencing mixed emotions right now. On one hand, I cry several times a day even thinking about leaving and on the other, I’m excited for this adventure. I’ve been in a slump for a while, long before even Henry was born, so maybe this is what I need. What we all need. Maybe.

Now on to the logistics planning like picking a place to live, figuring out the best way to get there, etc etc etc. It’s all a little overwhelming, frankly, and I kinda wish my husband would take the reins on that and tell me the plan when he’s done. But, ya know, marriage is about team work and all.

That’s all she wrote (tonight).

Real problems.

Chris got the job offer, we’re going to discuss is over the weekend but really. I mean, option a) take good job in the Bay Area but be a little broke on one income for a while or b) stay here and be unemployed until unemployment runs out and then do….what?

We sat down tonight and did a spreadsheet of our bills vs income. It’s doable, but tight. I don’t know why that panics me so much seeing as how we’d done the exact same thing here last year. I guess it’s because I won’t have a support system at all. Maybe that’s the root of all my anxiety. I can’t just run over to my mom’s with the baby to watch Real Housewives and eat dinner. I can’t go to Natalie’s house on the weekend and paint my nails while we chat. And any part-time job I get will have to be on the weekend, meaning I’ll never get to see my husband.

I’m being too negative aren’t I? There are much bigger problems in this world, I know. Oh, poor me, my husband got a great job in a beautiful area but I might get lonely sometimes. Drones are blowing up people in the Middle East and I’m crying about moving two states over. I need to get over it.

So I’ll start looking at it as a new adventure, a fresh start, and I know everything will work out for the best.

Someone in New Mexico better send me green chile though.

Henry break! This is his “Daniel Tiger is doing what?!?” face. If he’s not watching the show, he’s carrying around this book. Obsessed is an understatement at this point.

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Oh! And after doing baby sign with him forever, he can now do “all done,” “more”, and “fan.” I’m really working on getting “food” and “drink” down. Those would be super useful.

Side note: after he finished eating tonight, he did the sign for all done. He had pasta, so it was straight in the bath with him. As he approached the bathroom, he turned around, did the sign for all done again, and ran in the opposite direction. We had a good laugh over that.

Night guys.

Update or anxiety induced word vomit: you decide.

Things still aren’t 100% official around here, but Chris got the job offer from the place in California. He’s giving the local place a chance to officially offer him that job before deciding, but if this was a horse race I would put all my money on Heading West Again Whether You Like It Or Not sired by Suck It Up, Bawl Bag. Horses always have weird names like that.

I’ll update more soon. In the meantime, here is a picture of my large toddler just relaxing after a hard day of toddling.

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Decisions, decisions.

This time, the lack of updates is because I’ve actually been super busy and not because of Dexter (man, that last season was a suck fest).

We moved in with my mom last week. It was a bumpy transition, I’m not gonna lie. I miss my old place something fierce, even though I was dying for something bigger and without upstairs neighbors. It was OUR apartment. We got married right after we moved in. Henry was born there. I was lucky enough to spend the first 14 months of his life with him there and witness all those major milestones. The apartment was cozy and comfortable and I can’t even look at pictures without crying. We are so lucky to have family to help, but I miss having my own space. I miss what used to be. I want to rewind to like 6 months ago and just push pause. Forever.

Because things are going to change even more for us soon, I think, and I don’t know if I’m ready for that quite yet. Today, Chris flew to San Francisco for a job interview. Ok, actually, he’s been talking to them for a while and this company found him, he didn’t apply there, so this is kind of a formality before they offer him a job I’m sure. For the first time ever, I see him excited about a possible job. But I’m…less than thrilled.

You see, we lived in Los Angeles for 4 years together (he was there for closer to 10 years) and when he got out of school, I told him I’d like to move closer to my mom. He was not sold on Albuquerque, understandably, because the design industry here is not exactly robust. After 6 months of temporary jobs around LA, he finally agreed. He found design work immediately and even had a job at an agency within a few months. But he always told me his growth potential here was limited and eventually we’d have to move. I knew he was right and I agreed. I just didn’t think it would be so soon.

I won’t even get into the depressing diatribe about missing my mom and friends if we move because then I’ll start crying and I just got over a cold and snot is no longer welcome in my vicinity. I will say that Katy 10 years ago would have been thrilled beyond words. I’ve always had a sort of wandering spirit. There was the ill-fated and very brief move to Boston when I was 18, followed by a train journey to New Mexico where I enrolled in UNM and lived for 7 years before I packed up my Mazda and moved to LA with no job, no money, and one crazy roommate. Even after moving here again, I dreamt about where we’d go next and if you asked me where I’d like to go, I would have told you the Pacific Northwest. And there lies the kicker: I’ve always wanted to live in the Bay Area.

To say I love San Francisco is a gross understatement. This is what makes me so mad right now! I have been obsessed with that city since I first visited at the age of 22. I quickly followed that up with a spring break vacation the following year. I have walked all over that city, literally. The cabs were eating into our food budget, so we walked (not at night, of course). I vowed that I’d move there someday. Then I found out the cost of living. That put a damper on my plans but not my love.

As I got older, I thought that if I ever won the lottery, I’d buy a house in Marin County. My 30-year-old soul is more suburban than urban these days and it’s just right across the bay from the big city. So when Chris told me this job would actually be in Marin and that’s where we’d live…well, shit. Awesome? I’m starting to believe the old adage, be careful what you wish for. Because the truth is, I want to live there. I do. Just not now. I’m not ready to leave. A lot of change and sacrifices will have to be made and I don’t wanna.

So we will see. A local company says they have an offer for him soon, and Chris promises he will weigh both opportunities equally even though this job in California is as close to a dream job for him as I can think of right now. Except maybe working for the NFL in some capacity. He sacrificed for me when he moved to New Mexico and I’d do the same for him. It will just be hard and I’m scared. That’s all.

If you made it to the end of this, congratulations. You’re a saint and or/crazy and I love you.

Hopefully I’ll have updates soon. Me with all my horrible problems like possibly moving to this beautiful area.

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Poor me. (Image courtesy of Wikipedia)

Blurry love.

In case you didn’t get the memo from corporate America, Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. We don’t have a lot of cash right now, so I’m just doing something handmade and personal for my husband. Other than that, it will be a pretty average Friday around here.

I took a picture the other night of Henry running back and forth on the couch (and giving his poor mother a heart attack). He’s blurry in it, but our wedding photo on the wall behind him is kinda almost in focus. At first, I thought it was a bad picture, but I kept going back to it. I sort of loved it. Then I realized that I loved it so much because all of my favorite life moments, and people, are in that picture. That’s our family! My family! We made this little person! This climbing, running, crazy little person! Even though we all learned about human reproduction in the 6th grade, it’s still a little amazing to me that we produced life and that I’m someone’s mom now.

So I post it here, for Valentine’s Day, the technically bad photograph that represents our love. I hope you all celebrate the love in your life tomorrow. Happy V-Day!

love

Soul food.

Writing is so good for my soul, so I don’t know why I don’t do it anymore. I mean, I have lots of excuses, but they’re not really valid. I can make time. I really need to make time.

The other day I was feeling a lot of anxiety and frustration over a certain situation. I wanted to scream. Instead, I wrote an email to someone. No one will ever read this email, but boy did it feel great to get it out. I felt better almost instantly and since then I’ve barely thought about it. It was like I literally released it into the universe.

So even if it’s not blogging, I’m going to write more. With our situation so up in the air right now, writing will help me focus on what’s important and stay positive.

Henry also helps. Before I head to bed every night, I stop and take a picture of him sleeping. I’m forever grateful for this little boy.

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