If you’re a mom, then you are probably all too aware of what I am going to discuss: mommy guilt. For me, I feel guilty over almost everything I do/don’t do. In the beginning, I had milk supply issues that threw me into a tailspin of depression. That was probably the pinnacle of my mommy guilt thus far, but I still have my moments. Guilt for working a few hours a week; guilt for not working more; guilt for letting the baby sleep with me half of the night; guilt when I make him stay in his crib…the list goes on and on and, if I am anything like my own mother, will continue until my children are in their 30’s and 40’s. And forever.
Then comes those moments we’re not so proud of. When our patience is worn down to a nub from lack of sleep and lack of “me” time (aka getting to shower and use the bathroom) and we have a minor meltdown. I haven’t had too many of those, but when I do, oh boy the guilt floods open and swallow me whole. I’m not sure why, since I’m the one crying hysterically in the middle of the day, but I feel bad for feeling bad. After all, I’m lucky. Incredibly, insanely lucky. I have a healthy, happy, gorgeous child. He is everything I wanted. So I shouldn’t be feeling anything other than pure happiness tied up with some rainbow glitter ribbon, right? Right. I’m appreciative of my life, but I am starting to allow myself to feel what I’m feeling if you feel me. (Sorry). After all, I spend most of my days alone (and recently, a few late nights alone while Chris works on a big project), I’m still battling post-partum hormones and self-esteem issues, and I have the weight of motherhood on my shoulders. It’s to be expected that I’d shed a tear or two eventually. Talking about it helps. My friends, my husband, and my mother — they remind me that it’s ok and perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed. Being a mom is hard work and it’s 24/7. I can’t be perfect all of the time. My new goal is to not beat myself up so much. That’s really all I can do. Besides meds. Meds might help.
I apologize for the rambling post. Thanks for reading if you made it this far!
House update: No house. We are re-signing a 6 month lease in our little apartment and giving ourselves some breathing room. I may feel cramped, but it’s better than the stress I was feeling before. We are going to do some re-arranging and de-cluttering and hopefully that helps. Time is flying like crazy so 6 months doesn’t seem so far away to me. Pre-Henry, 6 months was an eternity. Now it’s like, OMG WE ONLY HAVE 6 MONTHS!!! Continued good luck our way is appreciated.