Here’s the deal.

Talking to family today, I was told I should start building my baby registry now. This makes me very anxious as I have yet to buy anything for this baby (except a Beatles shirt I got years ago from a client at my old job in Los Angeles).

See, I had a miscarriage last year, and it was really hard to deal with. It’s still really hard to deal with. It was an early miscarriage, but painful nonetheless. I’m still terrified about this pregnancy, even though I have a feeling everything will be alright. It’s like if I let myself plan anything – a registry, a shower, diapering options – something bad will happen.

As I was going through adding things to a registry that will surely change a lot in the next 5 months (especially once we find out the gender), I felt the little bean in there moving around. It just reminded me that this time is different. Worrying doesn’t help anyone; stress is not healthy for me or baby.

Side note real quick before I move on: miscarriage has a way of fostering loneliness in a way I’ve never felt before. People don’t know what to say or how to act. Sometimes they innocently say something that really stings. Some people don’t understand why it’s hurting so bad. The internet really helped me find stories I could relate to, and if anything, I hope this post helps someone else going through the same thing. Maybe I’ll write something longer in the future, but even putting this out into the universe gives me palpitations.

Moving on. My mom is making a quilt for the baby, and I’ve been sharing it piece by piece on Instragram (follow me, @djkatyk). Today, we went over to her house to help organize the squares. My designer husband was a huge help. The pic below is NOT the final layout. I took it before he worked his magic. I’m so excited to see it finished and have something homemade with so much love for baby K. My mom made me one when I was 20 and I still cherish it.

Here’s what we have so far:

Oh! I just want to reiterate, the Snoogle rocks so much. After the second night of using it, I felt much more rested today. Still sleepy from being pregnant, but not like before. What I need now is a vacation. Or a day off. Or half a day off. I’m not picky.

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5 thoughts on “Here’s the deal.

  1. Katy, I hope sharing this helps you heal a little more. Please know that you are amazing and have been far stronger that I think you give yourself credit for. That said, it’s alright to cry and to be sad. I’m here whenever you need to talk or laugh or cry (lord knows you’ve listened to me do all those things).
    Also, tell your mom the quilt looks awesome. I’m still quite jealous of the patience it takes to make something like that!

    • Aww thanks Natalie. You’re gonna make me cry now (again). I do feel better now that I shared it. I had a couple minutes of doubt last night lying in bed trying to fall asleep because I’m so superstitious. But it’s definitely helped.

  2. Thank you for posting this. It helped a lot. I know people are trying to say nice things to cheer me up…but maybe I don’t want to be cheery. and my poor husband is as upset as me, but nobody gives the man much credit for the grief either. I don’t even know what to say to him.

    • I completely relate. My husband is so good at being strong for me, but I could tell he was sad but also really worried for me. I’m glad this little blog post helped you. Just remember its ok to cry and grieve, no matter what anyone says. It doesn’t matter if you were pregnant a month or a day, it still really hurts. The physical part is yet just another painful reminder.

  3. Pingback: A week 6 retrospective (and other stuff) « Katy Wins!

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